jenlynn

Five percent

14 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment

Today, there is officially 5% less of me then there was in January. It was kinda funny because I haven’t been to fat camp in a few weeks. I’m experiencing the joys of that time of the month and was sure I had gained weight but I decided to face the music. Instead, I’ve lost 6.6 pounds. Even after my weekends of debauchery in Memphis and St. Louis.

Last week I had a zen moment in the mind wrestling I’ve been going through (more on that to follow). It’s kinda cheesy and I’m completely stealing it from someone but here you go. Jen’s life philosophy in the present moment.

My heart is open,
my mind is attached to no outcome,
and my only obligation is to keep
being the best version of myself
at any given moment.

Ta, da!
Jen

Learning to walk again

27 May 2011 Leave a Comment

by jenlynn in Uncategorized

I won’t lie and say that I’m all better now and I didn’t mean anything I wrote in my last post. It is all still true and I feel it every other minute. However, I did decide that giving up was NOT an option. I’m not going to be who others expect me to be and I’m not going to conform to an idea of what I should say or do. That isn’t who I was meant to be-I’ll leave that for someone else who is more comfortable in that role.

I went to Memphis last weekend with a group of good friends. A very spontaneous moment from that trip was going to see the Foo Fighters in concert. Oh no! I can hear you groaning! Not another life changing concert experience! No, not really even tho it was an awesome concert. My feelings have been bopping around in my head with no direction for a while and even tho I’ve heard the song so many times before, it wasn’t until the concert that it kinda slapped me upside the head and said, ‘listen you idiot.”

So, I did. Now you get to too.

The chains that bind me

11 May 2011 2 Comments

by jenlynn in Uncategorized

Warning: venting to follow

I created this prison I’m in. I’m smart enough to have figured at least this much out. I made the outside of me match the walls on the inside. Trust me, they are very, very high because I am convinced I can’t be anything but toxic to anyone. I’m a freak. I am so damaged and carrying so much baggage I can’t see where I’m headed. I see wrinkles and sun spots and dear god, even my cleavage looked wrinkly this evening. I did this.

Right now, I’m standing here on the edge of some kind of sanity fighting my demons. Have I mentioned that demons fucking fight back? I either keep fighting or I give up and be the crazy cat lady. And what is overwhelming to me is just how much all anyone who bothers to glance at me sees now is the crazy fat cat lady. No one sees who I really am. Ok, fair enough, most people don’t see who I really am. I became this person when I was 19, a person someone else wanted me to be. That morphed into a sorrow and loss that helped create a fat girl who loved so deeply it didn’t matter. It was worth it. And when that all fell apart-the person I had become became the enemy and I made her worse. More disgusting. More vile. I know I’m being harsh and it is all directed at me but I’ve got to get it out of my head. THIS is what goes through my head on a daily basis. THIS is what I’ve become.

I’ve changed so much in the last few years and most days I am really proud of that. Yet, right now, it all seems like it just didn’t make a difference at all. I’m so pissed about that and I don’t want to give up and all I want to do is FEEL something more than this and that leads to bad decisions. I’ve done plenty of “feeling” in the last seven months. I had this horrible dream the other night that I was driving down the highway at a high rate of speed. I looked down for a second and when I looked back up I smashed into the back of a black pick-up truck at full speed. As I hit and could hear all the metal crunching and glass shattering I thought, “well, this is it.” and waiting for the second impact to kill me. It never happened and I woke up with a start. Talking with my dream guru I’ve since learned that being the driver it meant I was in control of my life. Yay! This is something new and good! But, the accident would indicate that I don’t like the direction my life is headed. No shit.

Where do I go from here and when will I ever feel like a grown woman?

Jen

Another part of the puzzle

10 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment

by jenlynn in Uncategorized Tags: demons, overeater's anonymous

I’ve been hesitant to write about this because it doesn’t feel quite right to talk about it but I’m going to because it is all a part of this fixing broken Jen.

I went to an overeaters anonymous meeting. It was an all day thing and I was only able to make it for the last hour or so but, wow. It isn’t so much what I heard while I was there-tho that was a big part of it. Rather, it is what I felt. For weeks now I’ve been trying to put it into words that both convey my emotions and protect the anonymity that is so important in meetings like this. When it was my turn to talk I had no idea what to say besides my favorite proverb {fall down 7, stand up 8} and that this was my 8. Everyone there got it.

I think that weight watchers is a part of the plan. It helps you stay focused on a healthy way of eating and changing the way you look at food from a nutritional viewpoint. OA and other groups like it? They go much deeper and there are some of us that really need that deep and intense look at the emotional reasons why. Why do I feed my feelings? Why did I gain back all my weight when the person I thought was forever walked out on us? Why don’t I hold myself in high regard? Why in the hell don’t I love myself ? Logically, I’ve known I have to find these answers to really be healthy. Emotionally, I had no idea how to get there until I walked into that room. I found another part of home wrapped in the smiling faces of strangers with welcoming voices and powerful hugs all telling me to just come back.

Ok then,

Jen

The magnificent bitches that we are

22 Feb 2011 2 Comments

by jenlynn in Uncategorized Tags: friends, humor, losing weight

I was going through my text messages and realized how much having a friend in the losing weight adventure can boost you up and make you laugh. Here are a few of my favorite exchanges between us. This is the friend that will be beside me in jail going woo hoo, what a ride! Here’s to Rogue and Metairie!

Did you know that 320 reduced fat wheat thins is 67 points? Oh the fun you can have with a simple typo.
I tried that “enjoy something small.” I thought-I’ll just eat one peanut butter cup and save one for tomorrow. Snort!
OMFG, I want a cookie!
Your turn to be zen this week. i’ll take a turn next week.
Happy Saturday! I took my measurements! Ugh.
- I know. Did you take a semi-nude picture of yourself too? I don’t recommend it.
Just left the grocery with zero cheese. I guess this is getting serious.
Existential crisis in full swing!
$159 in groceries-all ww compliant. No cheese!
I just used 3 of my extra points. There went one of my rum and cokes!
I sat by the Godiva Chocolates at the nook training and managed to not buy any!! Instead I bought bath squirt toys. WTF?
He made guacamole, which was yummy. Then steak-which was perfectly cooked and seasoned. Angel hair pasta tossed w olive oil and parmesan and bread.
- Damn. Good food. We’re not gonna have the best weigh-in are we?
- yeah, I don’t think I should bother!
- WRONG ANSWER!!!
- It’s just going to be ugly!
- WRONG ANSWER!!!
- Grumble mumble, half-heartedly flipping you the bird! Whatever, fine I’ll weigh.
I can’t imagine a world where you don’t know rum rolls exist!
There’s 21 points in a bottle of wine. Probably shouldn’t do that. Right?
Attention shoppers! we now have a rum roll recipe on aisle seven. I repeat, rum roll recipe on aisle seven.
- U are such a food tease!
I want to go buy hot dogs, mac n cheese and brownies for snowpocalypse!
1 2 3 4 get your boobies off the floor. 5 6 7 8 now’s the time to elevate!
I did exercise both days. But I doubt that negates the 3, yes 3, pieces of banana cake. Insert sheepish grin.
- drool…
Was there any point in exercising if I just followed it up with nachos and cake?!
Hey! Dr. Oz is going to hypnotize us to lose weight after the commercials.
- I think I’ll just nap. Let me know how that works out for ya!
“Unsure of what was hidden beneath the thick, golden topping of melted cheese, I plunged my spoon into the crock.” Zomg, is that the best food porn ever or what?

The Pink Monster

29 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment

by jenlynn in Uncategorized Tags: pink monster, spinning, the girls, tits

The girls are contained, deformed and miserable…

I’ve been doing a dance workout at home when I don’t feel like getting to the gym. It’s pretty fun and I sweat a lot. Last week spinning was cancelled due to snow so this was to be the first week with the new bra. Deciding I needed to get used to it before spinning I wore it for my night of dancing. First off, I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to fit but somehow I got the girls wrangled in with the million and two claspy things all closed. I felt immediately like a sausage from my neck to my belly button. Fabulous.

Once I stopped cursing about how uncomfortable I was it ended up being a good workout and I felt more comfortable about spinning. The next day, I went into the bathroom to change at work before going to the gym. Naturally, there is always someone in the stall beside you who isn’t going anywhere when you need to change. Regardless, I wrangled the girls in again and changed. To my horror, I discovered that the pink of the bra can be seen all around the neck of my t-shirt. I walk out of the stall and a coworker walks in and says, ah, so this is the real Jen. Dear God, I hope not!!!! I hang my head in shame and make it to spinning and the litmus test. My spinning instructor Sheryl, goes Jen-it looks like you are losing weight. I, no lie, put my hands on my chest and said nah, I think its just my tits! So, does this horrible thing work? Yes. It was awesome. They still manage to “bounce” at top but I can handle that. It was wonderful to just concentrate on riding as fast as I can instead of wondering where the girls are going to take us this time.

Two thumbs up for containment but a serious boo and hiss for the few hours a week the girls will be traumatized. Poor babes. In honor of them, I’ve nicknamed the bra the pink monster!

Jen

Measurements

16 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment

by jenlynn in Uncategorized Tags: feelin' groovy, measurements

I took my measurements this week. Erlack. I guess this is serious.

I’ve decided that I’m going to take measurements each month and keep them posted here. I’m still debating on pictures. What do you think? Oh right, there isn’t anyone still reading this. Oddly comforting feeling in that-I’ve got to earn followers again. I dig it.

Jen

4.5 inches

06 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment

by jenlynn in Uncategorized Tags: boobs, bounce, girly, spinning

It seems that in many of my posts I am either talking about spinning or my boobs. Today, I’m going to talk about both! Naturally, I don’t imagine anyone is surprised!

I went back to spinning tonight and it was a tough trip back. I’m so embarrassed that I ever left and I’m not sure who is going to be there and the fears get to me pretty badly. But, as Mary pointed out to me once, we are never going to get any better unless we go out and you know, get better? SO, off I went and I remembered everything I needed-clothes, spin shoes, spin socks, water bottle, scrunchie for my hair…everything. Except a bra that can hold the girls in when I get to spinning.

You see, I’m a girly girl and as a girly girl, I really and truly enjoy the girls being packaged in a lovely ensemble. I’m just that way and while I realize I’m exercising-I see no reason why just because the girls are substantial that it means I have to encase them in something that looks like it was created for Fort Knox. Thanks to my theory on boob management, I’ve spent a lot of money on different sports bras for the “full-figured woman” that look cute. Whatever. All of them have failed but I have been unwilling to trade fashion for common sense until tonight.

After five minutes of spinning I was beat. My legs were screaming loudly, “what the bloody hell are you doing to us now, bitch?” But, I kept pushing and every few minutes told myself that it would never feel worse than it did tonight because I’m never, ever stopping again. I’m in the groove and spinning my little heart out but I can’t stop worrying about the girls. They are all over the place AND I have this strange arm squeeze thing going on to keep them from hurting someone and I ask myself why?

Exactly.

So, I sucked it up and purchased the one sports bra that just might reign in the girls and let us focus on the exercise at hand. I even found it in pink. It is very industrial and frankly, it scares me but there you go. I’ll let you know how it goes next week.

Jen

p.s. 4.5 inches? That is how much the girls can “bounce” at a D cup when running. I’m a DD cup so…to infinity and beyond!

Step one, step two…now you know what to do

05 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment

by jenlynn in Uncategorized

To move forward you have to face your past. Today, my past came to visit in the form of my former best friend’s little sister. She’s all grown up now and I really enjoyed talking with her and hearing about how her life has turned out. She was telling me about her sister and then excitedly asked me if I was married and if I had any kids. Ummmm. No. Divorced I say and keep it vague as I realize that everything that happened with her family and me…she didn’t know any of it.

Her sister was my best friend for several years. Her family was like a second family to me as I spent almost all my free time at her house. We did everything together. As far as little sisters go-she drove us nuts but she also meant a great deal to me. I used to brush and braid her hair. I used to take her to preschool. She was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a little sister and I loved them all as my family. Then came Larisa and when I came out to my best friend I lost them all. I was dropped faster than you can say Baptist. At the time, it was just one of many blows. I lost my family for a bit there and I lost most of my friends. Many years later I learned that my best friend’s father had approached my dad to discuss my eternal damnation and my dad stood up to him. Sadly, he died and even then, the ties were too severed to mend.

It is a hard, hard thing to be rejected by those that are supposed to love you no matter what. I’ve never really taken it all in how much I was hurt and how much I have held onto that hurt inside of me all this time. I was so busy trying to hold others together and keep them alive that I didn’t take the time to heal. Part of this “feel everything” trend I’ve created for myself includes the good and the bad. Somehow, the universe thought I should face this hurt some more today. When I realized that she didn’t know why I just up and disappeared from her life it left me sad and reflective all day. She just thought I left…sisters-no matter what kind-don’t do that to one another. I’m so sorry.

As if that wasn’t enough to handle in one day, I went to fat camp today! Yes, that is what I am calling weight watchers now. The program has completely changed and I went to a new person at a new time. It felt good and I’m excited about the changes. Somethings gotta give. I can’t let the hurts rule my life anymore. Everyone has hurts and pain that they’ve endured in life-I am not any different. I just need to take control. The past is to be learned from; it can’t own me anymore.