The chains that bind me

11 May 2011 2 Comments

by jenlynn in Uncategorized

Warning: venting to follow

I created this prison I’m in. I’m smart enough to have figured at least this much out. I made the outside of me match the walls on the inside. Trust me, they are very, very high because I am convinced I can’t be anything but toxic to anyone. I’m a freak. I am so damaged and carrying so much baggage I can’t see where I’m headed.  I see wrinkles and sun spots and dear god, even my cleavage looked wrinkly this evening. I did this.

Right now, I’m standing here on the edge of some kind of sanity fighting my demons. Have I mentioned that demons fucking fight back? I either keep fighting or I give up and be the crazy cat lady. And what is overwhelming to me is just how much all anyone who bothers to glance at me sees now is the crazy fat cat lady. No one sees who I really am. Ok, fair enough, most people don’t see who I really am. I became this person when I was 19, a person someone else wanted me to be. That morphed into a sorrow and loss that helped create a fat girl who loved so deeply it didn’t matter. It was worth it. And when that all fell apart-the person I had become became the enemy and I made her worse. More disgusting. More vile.  I know I’m being harsh and it is all directed at me but I’ve got to get it out of my head. THIS is what goes through my head on a daily basis. THIS is what I’ve become. 

I’ve changed so much in the last few years and most days I am really proud of that. Yet, right now, it all seems like it just didn’t make a difference at all. I’m so pissed about that and I don’t want to give up and all I want to do is FEEL something more than this and that leads to bad decisions. I’ve done plenty of “feeling” in the last seven months. I had this horrible dream the other night that I was driving down the highway at a high rate of speed. I looked down for a second and when I looked back up I smashed into the back of a black pick-up truck at full speed. As I hit and could hear all the metal crunching and glass shattering I thought, “well, this is it.” and waiting for the second impact to kill me. It never happened and I woke up with a start. Talking with my dream guru I’ve since learned that being the driver it meant I was in control of my life. Yay! This is something new and good! But, the accident would indicate that I don’t like the direction my life is headed. No shit.

Where do I go from here and when will I ever feel like a grown woman?

Jen