Jennifer Lynn

Expectations seem to be a theme in my life right now.  For the last few days I’ve been reflecting on where I expected to be in this journey (need to come up with a new word, journey is getting old). And because of that reflection I haven’t been in a good place. I’ve been up and down the same 15 pounds for a long time and I’ve had many conversations with myself about what that means. And yesterday, as I sat alone before my weight watchers meeting I got really pissy. I wasn’t expecting my support network to be there, they changed our meeting so I don’t know anyone else in the meeting and my attempts to socialize with the different cliques has been…well…futile and I feel very isolated. I’m reading this book about how you have to change the mental to hold onto the physical changes and that for most of us-if we don’t do that, we just gain our weight back. Great. It was like adding fuel to the fire of how many ways you can fail at the things that are most important to you.

Well, half of my support network showed up and we both fell into this whining, bitter place for a while. Feeling like giving up, knowing that giving up isn’t an option. I feel like I have not been changing as fast as I want to change and I am not at the weight I want to be and that my patience has worn out.

Then, we started pushing each other. What are we going to do? How are we going to help each other? And we started-each of us picking what we need to work on the heaviest and setting a goal. For me, it is to increase my exercise each week. For her, it is switching to Core. And I am happy to say we are doing it. For at least this one day, you can do this.

And then spinning happened and it was the best thing I could have done for my internal mental picture. The 30 minute intro to spinning class is right after WW so I shot over there and headed in. There were only 2 other people there and I smiled, said hello and walked to my bike. I put on my spinning shoes and got on the bike and started warming up. I felt like a superstar with the looks I got and one of the ladies turned around to look at me and started pedaling too. Sheryl started the class up and I pushed myself as hard as  I could and even so-I realized with a start-that this class was incredibly easy. I reflected on how hard it was to start this class and how the 20 second standing climbs used to wear me out. On Monday, in the regular spinning class she made us do a 20 minute standing climb-no breaks and I did it. I thought I was going to die, but I did it.

I started my first spinning class on September 18, 2007. Since then, I have worked up from the 30 minute class to the 50 minute beginning class to my second session of the big boy spinning class. I can take whatever Sheryl throws at me and I did not realize that until yesterday. Many things have changed about me even if the number on the scale doesn’t reflect exactly what I want it to. I am healthier. I am incredibly fit for a fluffy girl. My heart is in good shape, my numbers are decreasing all the time. I have energy, I move more, I do more. I get so confused thinking about how strongly I felt I couldn’t do any of what I do now. I love doing things, being active, living and doing. I hate the person I was for so long and I realize I’ve got to work on that to keep moving forward.

All this rambling to say thank you, to whomever I should thank, for showing me yesterday that I am not a failure. I have succeeded greatly and will continue to do so…or Sheryl will start kicking my butt! I shared all of this with her yesterday and she is determined to make sure I kick it up. Sweet Jesus, I think I am in trouble.

The picture quote with this post is spot on for me. I have never believed in myself enough to believe I can do anything. I’m learning how to do that right now.

Jen