Jennifer Lynn

for you know not what path my shoes have traveled.

Monday, I went to start a free week at Contours with a few friends of mine. I don’t need to do this but I was being supportive. I also thought it would give me a little change of pace from the normal routine.

We walked in and were met by three women. The clear owner person grimaced and said, no problem if you don’t mind the time this is going to take? Huh? What time? Wasn’t it you who handed me the free week card and smiled? Isn’t it my money you need to keep your business dreams alive? [I must insert here that I didn't really think that then-I was more optimistic. This comes from my further experience.]

Anways, I filled out my information listing off my exercise regime and they read it as I was writing it and gave each other a look. Then, when we were being shown the machines both of my friends went first. Then, when it was my turn the staff person changed the weight to 5 pounds. 5 POUNDS??!! I was so insulted and tried to not to be b%$chy about it and played along. One of the girls learned quickly that I had strength. The other one continued to place my weights very low. I just can’t figure out why because what it felt like was some kind of competition of wills and she refusing to accept that this fat person before her could be strong.  Eventually, I calmly informed her that at the gym I ususally do 100 pounds on one machine. She hemmed and then said, ok, well, ours are a little different so you might not be up to that. Let’s try 50. I had to pull and drag proper weights out of them for each machine. I was furious by the time I left.
It was awful and I just don’t get it. Isn’t the point of places like this and curves to make women feel comfortable when they don’t want to go to a regular gym? By my looks, by my previous fears, I fit that description and I tell you-if this had been the first place I went eighty pounds ago, I’m not sure I would have had the strength to keep going. THAT is how easy it is to lose yourself in a spiral of addiction. Not saying it is right, I’m just still trying to get people to see how damaged some of us are and how it doesn’t take too much to hurt us even more.

I remember that feeling and what is funny in an ironic sort of way is that I didn’t remember that feeling when I walked in the door. I wasn’t nervous and I didn’t even consider that I would have ANY problems going there. It wasn’t until I was ‘in progress’ that my fellow human beings made me feel that way again. But, instead of letting it hurt, it just really pissed me off.

I’m so tired of being judged just by how I look. I tell you this is a huge motivator to become super-fit jen!!

will make your ass look good.

I have survived my first and second big boy spinning class. Let me tell you how they went! First class, I was so nervous that I was jumpy all thru weight watchers and I raced out of there. I was convinced that I needed at least 15 minutes after changing to get into the room and secure a good bike. (good bike = jens comfy zone bike). I wade against traffic only to arrive there and have to park the farthest away from the gym I have *ever* parked. Ok, fine. I make fun of the people who wait for close parking spots to the gym so I parked and hoofed it. My hands are shaking as I change my clothes and I’ve peed a million times. As I am coming out of the locker room I run into Cheryl, the spinning instructor. I tell her I’m so nervous and she goes, “Oh? You joined the regular class? You’ll be fine.” Still not filled with confidence, I get into the room and grab my bike.  I’m looking around me at all the super fit people filing in. Not an ounce of fat, already on the bike spinning like mad and looking at me like I’m an alien. In many ways, I am. An alien in the world of fitness.

I decide that I need to be friendly and introduce myself to the lady beside me who is in a pack of 3 very fit women and the man on the other side who is apparently a doctor. I tell them this is my first time in the big boy spinning class and that brings them much amusement. Then the class starts and I meet a completely different Cheryl than the one I am used to. This is the real deal even as she explains that she was so hard last week that she will be nicer this week. Really? Whew. But, before I know it I am standing, sitting, standing, climbing, standing and standing some more. Oh crap.  When we get a moment to recover she says “Flat road, recover…but I see a hill coming up.” <insert evil cackle>

When class was over I had a cool thing happen and a most embarrassing thing happen. First, the woman next to me gave me pointers on how to not feel so much pain the next day and both she and the doc said they were impressed. I am competitive…apparently, even if it kills me.

The embarrassing moment was when Cheryl walked around the class as we were cooling down and made a big to do about me to my neighbors. Now, Cheryl has on a headset so everyone in the class can hear what she says. She proceeds to tell them how proud she is of me and…grimace…how nervous I was. Then she chuckles like a mom seeing her young chicken child going off to school for the fist time. Oh man.

The second class was even harder and the longest we sat down was 1 minute. Seriously. AND she told us that as we progress she gives us a workout in which she doesn’t give us time to recover. Shit. As I said to a friend, it is like each class I barely survive it. His response was-isn’t that what spinning is all about? Perhaps! I know I’m doing the right thing and I’m proud of myself for trying this but even today I still feel very unworthy.

Is this why so many of us stay fat? Because we don’t feel worthy of what it takes to be in the real world? Hmmm, that is a whole other topic!

Jen

I’ve been walking and doing weights for over a year now. I’ve been doing spinning since the fall and I’ve even been doing Yoga for over a month. My body has been challenged and pushed beyond what it has known in many, many years.

Yet, today I am nervous. Why? Because I am taking my first big boy spinning class tonight. Yes, the class that lasts a full hour and when the folks walk out of it they are covered in sweat. It is clear they have been tortured on the bike and I look at them with such admiration. Now, I am getting ready to join their ranks and I feel so not worthy.

I’m doing it anyway because I am doing really well since I made the decision to get back on it. I think mentally I needed that break and I guess even to eat all that food. It helped me to see that even while I was eating all that stuff, I was never giving up. I just needed a break and now I feel like I’m starting over again. I’ve got the energy and the drive to hit another 100 pounds, which will get me to goal.

Wish me luck!! The first spinning class I ever took my legs wobbled all the way down the stairs. Tonight, I just might have to take the elevator.

Jen