Jennifer Lynn

I was going to put a picture of some very flexible yoga pose, but just looking at them made me tired…so I didn’t.

 This week I tried something new for me-yoga. The library has offered up a class taught by someone from the Y, at the library once a week. The cost is pretty reasonable-it goes down the more people who enroll. The first time an e-mail came thru I laughed at it. Jen, in a real yoga class? <snort> Jen, not able to hide in the dark like in spinning? <ludicrous> Jen, being able to bend her car-wreck injured, fluffy body into yoga poses? <a flaming hell no!>

Then, a friend wanted to know why I wasn’t in the class and it went from there. I actually considered it, then realized that it was just like everything else I’ve pushed myself into this last year-if it scared me (and boy howdy did it) then I needed to do it. So, I did.

I have never changed clothes so fast in my life to ensure I would get a spot on the back row. Seriously, I was like a Chippendale Dancer without the velcro pants. I rushed in there and got a spot (whew) and nervously awaited my fate. The lady who sat next to me was the yoga queen. This was both intimidating and helpful. I was able to look at her when the instructor was a stretch in the wrong direction away and see if I was doing it right or not.

 Overall, it was a good experience. It felt good and I only had trouble with a few poses with my bum knee. I’m looking forward to doing it again next week…I think. All was good until the next night when ALL my muscles started hurting. Ugh!

But, here’s to trying something new and adding variety to  my workout.

Yogily yours,

Jen

“Listen to the mustn’ts child, listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me: Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” S. Silverstein

I’ve had a few more NSVs this week. A coworker told me on Wednesday: “You are so frickin’ skinny, give me a high-five!” At 272 I wouldn’t really say that, but I love the comment because it comes from someone who has been supporting me since I started this.

The second comment came last night in spinning class. Now, I haven’t been in a spinning class since December 20th.  Classes took 2 weeks off for the holidays and I took 2 weeks off after that because I’m broke. Dead broke. We managed to scrape together $35 for the month and are going to try to share the membership between us without getting caught.

Anyways, I have missed the gym and I have really missed spinning. I have told myself that it was all a test and without the gym, I have been losing weight and am back to my pre-holiday weight. That is an accomplishment. But, more than anything I realize that I NEED the gym and I NEED the support services and people I have come to rely on.  I finally got it this last year that I needed help. These few weeks have showed me that this journey will always require me to reach out and take help when I can get it.

So, back to spinning. It was weird to be back but it was also wonderful.  Once I was on the bike I just pushed myself like crazy. The room was packed-there was only 1 bike not being used so I had lots of competition around me. To each side of me was a fit looking couple-I offered to switch places so they could spin next to each other but they said they were fine. There were times during the class that one or the other of them had to not stand or take resistance off when I didn’t so I felt pretty good about myself. My legs, my arms and even my boobs (my bra is too big) were itchin’ with the workout.

Then, after the class when we were wiping down the bikes, the man of the couple turns to me and says something like, “You’re awesome. You are not at all what you appear!”

I just smiled at him. I know what he was saying and he meant it as a compliment. I also heard last night that I kick ass at spinning. So, for me, this is the one thing I am hard core at.

Jen

“I think there is a choice possible to us at any moment, as long as we live. But there is no sacrifice. There is a choice, and the rest falls away.”

 ~Muriel Rukeyser

Sometimes there are random little things that add up to make you feel pretty good about the journey you are taking. A lot of them have happened this week and last, so let me share them with you.  In weight watchers we call them NSVs or Non-Scale Victories.

1. As I was walking out the front door of the library last week, a young child around 4 looked up at me as she was running in. She said, “Boy, are you fat.”  First I was surprised and then I told a few people and realized that it hadn’t destroyed me like it would have before. I know how far I’ve come and that works for me. My mental attitude won out over a harmless comment.
2. My mom joined weight watchers last week. She is struggling with weight and I have started worrying about her (we wear the same size now). My success has led to her feeling empowered to do this.  When she was at the beginner meeting, my leader kept referring to me as an example of what you can do.
3. In the WW meeting last week, we had to talk with people we didn’t know and share with them what we had done so far. When I said I had lost 80 pounds, there was a look around the group of respect for what I have done. They got it!! Yipee!
4. Comment “I almost missed your ass because its so small”
5. Comment “Your butt is so much smaller now!!”
6. I went to write to my boss asking if I could go to a national conference in March. I had a fleeting moment of panic about the plane seat and then realized I would be ok! :0)
7. My grandma said I was sexy. Trust me, this is a big deal. Everything in her world is sexy or not sexy…nothing in-between.
8. Last night, my mom called me from the grocery store trusting I would be able to tell her off the top of my head what ALL of the bread point were. Uh, no, but I was able to use my calculator and help her with lots of stuff.

Pretty good stuff eh? I feel like I have reached the point where it would be easy to get overwhelmed with how far I still have to go. BUT, others around me are showing me that I have a lot of knowledge now that I can use to help and that in turn helps me keep truckin.

As Martha Stewart says, It’s a good thing.

Jen

Our sweet, stubborn, deaf dog of 17 years died last week. She had a long life with much love and her greatest accomplishment is that she made us into a family all those years ago. I know she doesn’t have much to do with losing weight but she has a lot to do with who I am and how I love. She’s taught me a lot over the years-good and bad. Stubborness is a family trait you know. 

As we tend to do, the first of the year is a good time for reflection on what you accomplished the last year. I am both amazed and horrified when I look back on 2007. I am so incredibly proud of myself for what I accomplished for myself. I lost a total of 80 pounds. I am healthier than ever, I have fixed many of my medical problems, I get checked out on a regular basis and I function much better in this alien world known as skinny chick land.

Having spent the whole year reflecting on my habits, my addiction and my behaviors that have caused me catastrophic loss it isn’t hard to do it now. I look in the mirror on most days and I see someone that looks different, feels different and somehow that should make a difference in how I feel about myself. But, most of the time it is a struggle. I’ve caused too much pain and I’ve hurt myself too much. I’ve damaged myself beyond redemption.

I’m no different from the alcoholic who has lost everything and now lives a life alone regretting every drink and the pain it caused. I’m no different then the drug addict who watches her kids being taken away but can’t stay clean long enough to get them back-knowing that her path is wrong, screaming inside at herself, yet unable to do it. It takes a life-altering event to make change like that happen and it doesn’t come easy. In fact, it is fucking hard and I dare anyone to tell me otherwise.

 Look at the person beside you, the stranger in front of you in a line, the person screaming at you across the desk. Take a moment and reflect on how they got there before you judge them. You don’t know their story and chances are, its a rough one. Most of ours are. Just take a moment, smile and be kind. Love, no matter what. There isn’t a person in this world who doesn’t need someone to believe in them and love them. Be the person that gives that love.

 Jen