Jennifer Lynn

Throaway = Having been rejected, ejected, or abandoned.

 This week on the Biggest Loser one of the contestants said something that has been haunting me. She said that she was tired of being a throwaway and that was her motivation for keeping the weight off. It struck me when she said that how much I relate to that and that feeling-as awful as it is-is part of what keeps you in that spiral of self-hatred and misery. Very few people accept you and want you “as is” and most importantly, that includes yourself.  I’ve felt alone and if not thrown away then on the verge of being thrown away for a long time.  In many ways, I still am and I struggle with it day in and day out. I don’t want to be a throwaway. I wanted to be the person that matters, that is cherished and loved no matter what. Really, that is all I’ve ever wanted. Did I do a good job of showing that? Hell no-too full of fear. In fact, that is probably the reason why I am a throwaway today.

 To fear what might be is to ignore what is. I’ve been living this motto for the last year. Trying not to fear what may be coming but to enjoy what is right in front of me. I should have learned to do this years ago and maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have felt like a throwaway all these years.

~Jen

New month and about time for another TMI post right? I can hear you all screaming yes at the computer and jumping up and down with excitement… 

So, I haven’t done laundry properly in the last few days which means Jen has to break out the girly panties. I bought 3 pairs of non-granny panties a few months back trying to expand my experiences in what I wear. I like looking sexy-why not undies too? In theory, this makes a lot of sense. So, I got a lacy red pair, a black pair with pink and kinda lacy parts and a red mesh pair. Honestly, I never wear them unless I’m forced to.  Yesterday was fine but today….today the black/pink/lacy pair is just not working for me and let me tell you why.

Ladies and gentlemen, fancy panties are not designed for fluffy folks. I may be wrong here but I am going out on a limb and saying most of us have tummies. On a super-model said panties don’t have to fight gravity just to encompass your tummy. On fluffy folk, they do and really-what kind of panties would they have to be to fight the laws of the universe? NASA panties?  It is a bad situation I’m in and let me tell you-I would probably get better coverage if I just went commado today. 

Now, I’m off to the gym where I can hopefully get my shorts on without anyone seeing my predicament. *sigh*

I’ve decided that Jen’s granny panties are just fine for now. They really aren’t too bad-high cut and I always pick out different patterns.

Jen the fat and slovenly is slowing transforming into Jen the mighty with nice legs…and the journey has gotten a little bit easier in the last week. I got spinning shoes!!!!!!! This wasn’t a planned event, but after working out last Sunday Ris noticed that the local bike shop was open and we stopped in. We were looking for cushy seats that make your butt hurt less after spinning. But as we were scouring the 50% rack (because we’ve become the people always looking for something free or almost free), I saw them. Shoes.

Plowing thru them I never believed there would be one in my size but in fact, there were several. I was nervous about it and as I glanced around the building I saw the bike guys all starring at us. I had a feeling one was going to come over and sure enough he did and then followed me back to try them on. I need to get over that-I just don’t like having to try something new and learn about it all at the same time.  No, really, I just didn’t want to try to slam my foot into a shoe and not have it fit while a stranger looks on. Luckily, he wandered on and I tried them on.  The first pair fit perfectly. Ooooh. They weren’t in the budget by a long shot but it is hard to resist 50% something you know you need. I am grateful to have them.

I was even more grateful the first spinning class. Spinners are an odd group of folks. My favorite guy is one who wears red argyle socks to class. I want to ask him why but instead I just respect his choice to spin with flair. I walked up to the class in my socks because I’ve seen people carry them in or even carry them in a box.  Something sacred about it surely, so sockies it is. I show Sheryl that I got shoes and she goes, “Oh, I love those shoes, they are great!” and then she gestures to the other spinning teacher who is…guess what….never gonna guess…really, you’ll be shocked…was wearing my shoes!! She did not look happy with my financial coup. tee hee.  Then I asked Sheryl about folks not wearing their shoes anywhere else. She says she has $300 shoes and she wears them everywhere. Go figure.

The moral of the story? Spinning shoes make a world of difference to the workout! They are strong and give you much more support when cycling. They fit better into the straps (don’t have cleats yet to bypass the straps). I did notice the first day that different muscles were being utilized and were sore. Interesting!

My favorite line so far about the shoes: “They look like moon shoes!” (imagine revered tone)

jen