Jennifer Lynn

At least MY shoes are now very cool and shiny!

Last week I met the first major goal of this journey of self. A lot of different things happened because of this goal.

1. I reached my first goal of getting under 300 pounds. My reward for this is new shoes! My old shoes were getting pretty warped and big. I spent almost two hours trying on different shoes last weekend and finally found the perfect pair. I went to the gym on Monday and felt very bouncy. THEN, I hit the track which, is already bouncy and I felt like I was flying. It was fabulous. I caught Ris trying them on and she is uber jealous.

2. I have lost 50 pounds total since I started at 348. The most weight I have ever lost-period-was 55 pounds-and I did that by being really depressed and not eating. What I remember is starving. I am 5 pounds from surpassing that mark and I can’t say that I’ve felt deprived but only a few times. At those times I could figure out why I was stark raving hungry and understood it!

3. Since I started at weight watchers, I reached my 10% goal and got a nice keychain. Really, I wasn’t all that jazzed about it until I saw it. It is very nice looking and does not have ww splashed all over it. It has a symbol for 10%, a star and a key. I’ve heard of people who put their keys on the table when they go out to eat to remind themselves of all they have worked for.

I’m very proud of what I’ve done. I know I have a long way to go but for the first time ever, it doesn’t seem impossible to achieve. I believe in it, I can picture it and I believe in me unlike I ever have. If someone had told me 6 months ago that I could lose 50 pounds, be content with what I’m eating and not feel like I’m being punished and deprived-I might have nodded my head but deep inside, I would not have believed it. Strange the hold your mind can have on you and how wonderful when you make the decision, against ALL the odds, to let go of all the issues, addictions, hurts and baggage and just love. Love yourself and be comfortable in your skin and the rest will follow.

~Jen

I had a friend comment that I hadn’t blogged in a while and I was surprised. I FEEL like I’ve been blogging. Just so you know, I’m doing just fine-I haven’t eaten half of the town out and I’m still losing weight. A pound or two a week and while that frustrates me like crazy because of the long way I have to go-I know I’m doing it the right way.

One of the things I’m really coming to terms with is addiction. I remember reading a book called ‘Passing for Thin’ and I related to the beginning of the book very much. How she thought about food all the time, was always hungry and the crazy things she did to get food. But, when she sought help and lost the weight I lost interest. I wasn’t ready to accept the consequences of my actions or the extent of what I was facing. The author was saying in big, bold, neon letters that she was an addict. I related to her but I didn’t see that we were the same. It’s only been since this awakening has started that I get it.

I haven’t used the term hardly at all during this journey. I have been hesitant to believe it and I’ve also been hesitant to share my thoughts because its not an excuse at all and I feel many people will see it that way. What made me start using the term and trying to get used to saying it was my actions with food. I realized that I was constantly monitoring how I felt, how hungry I was, what was I going to do, etc.. It was a constant and if I strayed for very long it was clear how easy it would be to fall into old patterns. That sounds a whole hell of a lot like an addiction to me.

When I was lost over the last six years I was powerless over food and I was completely unable to manage my life. I made the worst decisions possible and I caused a lot of damage. I felt like I was alone in my own internal hell. I was never able to imagine that I would be successful and I never believed I had the power. Now I can see myself successful and I think that is so powerful. I believe that I have the power-not the food. I have the power over the cravings and what I chose to do with my body.

Oh, I’m scared to death that I’m going to lose this but right now I am very peaceful with it. It doesn’t feel like such a struggle and I think it is because I admitted its an addiction and that I need help. Having a leader at ww who told me that she is the same way-she is constantly watching herself and she knows what to look for in food triggers-has meant the world.

I don’t have the cool eye but I am very much like Mad Eye Moody-Constant Vigilance is my motto. I will succeed and I do it for me. To the one I hurt the most in my failures know that you are always with me. I’m sorry that its become too hard for you. I know what you tried to do.

~Jen