Fudge!

January 31, 2007 at 1:10 am (Uncategorized)

I’m writing this for one reason. For anyone who may read this blog and think that losing weight is just a matter of will power. For a lot of people you see walking down the street that are fat, fluffy etc… food is an addiction. I never fully believed that, but you know, I do now.

Why?

I’ve lost 40 pounds. I’m going to the gym every week. I’m walking over a mile a day at least 3 times a week. My goal is everyday. I’m eating better then ever, I’m drinking my vegetables and after 3 months, I’m still doing it. I’M STILL DOING IT! This is the longest I’ve ever really stuck to this and what surprises me the most is that it doesn’t feel like a prison sentence. It just feels like a life change and that is how I know its right.

Still, after all that, I got a craving this afternoon and could not shake it. I could taste it, I could smell it and I could not-no matter how much I talked to myself-convince me that it was a bad idea. I wanted chocolate. I started to get dressed and go to town even tho I feel like crap (flu). I did manage to curb that impulse but instead of eating a protein bar I started rummaging and found I had the ingredients to make microwave fudge. Butter, cocoa, vanilla and powdered sugar. In less then 5 minutes I had made fudge. I shook my head the whole time but I savored every single flavor in the portion I cut out for myself. It was fabulous.

Then, I took the rest of the pan and put it in the sink and poured hot water over it. I am extremely proud of this but am ashamed that I wasted all the ingredients it took to make a pan of fudge that no one ate. Thank Buddha, I didn’t eat it all myself.

Ris chastised me the other day for making a confession and she’s right. This isn’t a confession. This is an awakening, an awareness of how tough this is and I want everyone-even complete strangers-to know just how hard this journey is. The next time you want to make fun of someone because of their size, just remember the battles they suffer inside their head everyday.

You know, one thing I’ve learned is that as a fat person I’ve gone thru every feeling in the book about myself-disappointment, shame, anger, fear. I’ve also learned that it isn’t surprising that the ones that love us also experience those same emotions.

Be kind and make your world a better place,
Jen

Leave a Comment

Ice Ice Baby

January 23, 2007 at 12:04 am (Uncategorized)


Hello world,

I missed my first ww meeting last week and I never made it to the gym. However, I have a really good excuse-neither place had power. Ha! I bet you weren’t expecting that!!

We got hit with a major ice storm that had most of the area without power. We lost power at home on Sunday morning about 6am. We stuck it out for one night. We have a gas fireplace that doesn’t have a blower so you were ok right beside it. Risa’s sister had called and told us to fill up the bathtubs so we did-yeah! Its manual but at least you can flush the toilet. Whew. On Monday we gave it up and went to my parent’s house. Grandma was also without power so there were 5 of us in a fairly small abode. Ris and I swapped between a matress on the floor and the couch. It was nice to spend more time with the family and get a home cooked meal every evening, but when we got the power back on Friday it was bliss! There is something about having your own home to go to and your own bed to sleep in. I had to work on Saturday but Sunday was sleep in day. No rising and shining until 11:30 am. Ahhhhh, life is good.

I weighed at home and I haven’t gained any weight, but my scale is different from ww. I’m hitting the gym starting tomorrow and hope to have a good weight loss on Thursday. It was a little disconcerting eating at the parent’s house. It was all good and I didn’t eat a lot but I felt more out of control with what went in my mouth.

I took some pictures last Friday while I was driving around with grandma. I’ll post them here tomorrow.

~Jen

p.s. We fixed a pot roast last night and I ate 5 carrots.

4 Comments

I made it to another decade

January 12, 2007 at 6:28 pm (Uncategorized)

Last night at ww I weighed in at 309.2 for a total weekly loss of 5.4 pounds. I weighed in the room that was already full of people. That is intimidating instead of doing it at the front. Our leader is also very loud and makes a big deal about everything so she announced it to the whole class. She did this for everyone she did and I thought it was interesting that the person getting praise looked very uncomfortable and not used to the attention. Almost like they were embarrassed. What self esteem issues we have. I want to be a cheerleader but my heart doesn’t know how to cheer anymore.

So, what is a decade you ask? My tiniest goal is to get into the next decade, you know 340s to 330s, 330s to 320s etc… The next decade I conquer will be getting out of the 300s and let me tell you that is going to be a BIG one. I cannot wait! I’m thinking a couple of weeks if I keep the exercise up.

300 is also my first big goal and my reward is going to be new tennis shoes. Mine have gotten me far but they are now lopsided and too big. I am hoping/excited to get real shoes. Nike or Reebok in cool funky colors that the fat people shoes don’t come in.

300 is also significant because it represents my 10% weight loss goal since joining weight watchers. 298 will be 50 pounds total and well, that freaks me out a bit. The lowest I have ever gotten since being over 300 was 265 and that was done with a great deal of pain and starvation. I’m doing it differently this time, even if the emotional pain is a billion times worse. This is also the first time that I really believe that I am going to do this. When I was doing weights last night at the gym I actually saw myself after I hit my goal of 175. I have never visualized that before. Such changes I’m making. Please see them. Please feel them.

~Jen

p.s. Just incase you’re wondering. The elephant seals run about 300 pounds, hence the pic.

2 Comments

My flaming trainer or damn the elliptical machine!

January 8, 2007 at 8:00 pm (Uncategorized)

Ok, I survived. I signed up to meet with a trainer and I actually followed through with it last Thursday afternoon. Oh my god. Well, to be fair, it was the initial meeting so I got the stats taken and a run through first. Fit people are always so surprised that I am not on medication and that I don’t have diabetes. Shocker.

Here are my stats as of last Thursday.

Weight: 312 at gym, 314 at ww

Height: 5′5 I’m so disappointed. I’ve been saying 5′6 for years.

Blood pressure: A little high 130 something. I was really nervous and I’m doing the right things to get it down if that isn’t all it was.

Body fat: No clue. The machine was broken and he said it wasn’t reliable anyways. He thought maybe 35%. wow.

I’m going to tell my tale for all those fat people out there that are scared to do this. You will survive, but it isn’t all roses either.

He made me do a few laps to warm up and then we started on weights. He did one weight thingy for each muscle group. He showed me how, we fixed the settings etc.. Really, I had already done most of them but I humored him. The hardest one to get out of is the gyno machine that works your inner thighs. I made a fool of myself getting in and out.

Let me pause and tell you about Daniel. He was very nice. Very young and very gay. He was funny and told me little gossipy things. Anyways, I don’t think he quite knew what to do with big ole Jen.

So, we did the weights and I asked him some questions about a few things and he marked when I was suppose to come back and see him. He will modify and show me new machines based on how I am doing. I guess they do a stat check each time. Spiffy.

Then we went downstairs to the cardio area and went over things. I knew most of the equipment but admitted to him that I was frightened of the elliptical machine. Of course, that means we go right to it. Now, be warned, its a funny little machine and it doesn’t even turn on until you start working it. Yes, ladies, you heard me right, you gotta work it before you learn it. So, I started going backwards and had no idea. He tells me I’m going backwards and I get going in the right direction. He sees my heart rate and says it is in a good starting spot but I don’t want to go over about 165. OK, so I’m huffing and puffing while he is showing me EVERYTHING in extreme detail. Man. At some point I really quit listening and then he started asking me to enter things and push this and do that all the while I am hanging on to the handle bars for dear life trying to breathe. He finally looks at my heart rate and I am at 179. Really, I could of died and I bet he would have been on the bad trainers list. :) He says, stop. Thank you Jesus!

After that I was wobbly and decided to call it at day after walking some more laps. I sat in Meyer and wrote to Ris for a little bit as I tried to recover and then headed to Weight Watchers. Our leader warned us but I was shocked at how many people were there! The message of the day was ‘lifestyle change versus resolution’ as she pointed out that resolutions have an end and that is why we get stuck in them. Ahhh, that makes some sense. Before this year, I would always rationalize that I would start at the beginning of the year and I would pork out until I was so miserable through the holidays. What an idiot. Starting before Thanksgiving has really been good for me. She said that when I started. The people who start when it is the hardest are the ones that usually make it.
The next day, I could hardly walk my thighs hurt so much! I feel challenged now tho-it will not beat me.

Today, the scale said 308 at home. That makes a grand total of 40 pounds since I started. Bravo me.

As a side note, I should say that Ris walked away. I hurt her too much not being able to face this addiction and love me inside. Don’t make that same mistake, love is the only thing that matters in this world. I lost the person who wanted this the most for me and I will love her forever. Don’t lose hope. Fight.

~Jen

2 Comments