I did it!!! Did what you ask? Read on…

December 31, 2006 at 1:29 am (Uncategorized)

Today, I did something I didn’t think my big butt would ever do. I JOINED a fitness center. I joined! I paid for a whole year! I am committed! I may be crazy!

I’ve been trying to do this the right way this time. Asking for help, being willing to take help that is offered, don’t kill myself by being so stubborn that I cannot admit to anyone-even tho it is very obvious-that I have a problem and can’t fix it on my own. It has been a tough road but I am doing it. Here are my steps to date:

1. Started walking on the treadmill (before I killed it) and outside. Goal 30 minutes every day. If I am beat, I give myself a day off but no more than one.

2. Started eating better. Cut out fast food completely and drinking lots of water. I kicked caffeine first but now I pick diet over caffeine. I do my best to have only caffeine free diet drinks.

3. I joined Weight Watchers in November. That was tough and I cried the first meeting. But, it feels right and I’ve been every week. I find I need the accountability and having a friend that goes with me. We keep each other on track.

4. I started moving more. I uped the walking and I started following the points flex plan with ww. This has been such a learning curve. You can eat whatever you want-everything has a point consequence and they leave it up to you to figure out/learn what you should be eating.

5. I researched gyms and visited two. One was too small and full of beautiful, beautiful people.

6. I worked out at Meyer yesterday with Ris.

7. I joined Meyer today by myself.

I rock don’t I?

Let me say a little about yesterday. Ris came with me because her work made a deal with Meyer to let them work out there for free over the break. It meant a lot to me that she was willing to work out with me and I just want to say, for all to read, it was a lot of fun. I wasn’t embarrassed (well, maybe when my butt was in the air) and I didn’t feel like I was less of a person then anyone else there. It felt really, really good. Don’t get me wrong-when I first walked in, I was terrified and felt completely intimidated. BUT, i realized that I was the one making me feel that way and I stopped it.

The pool looks fabulous and I can’t wait to jump in. They have a lot of open swim times in the evening that will be very nice.

Today, I went by myself and joined. It was cathartic in a way. I can’t put it in to words quite right but it was like I had finally arrived. I am DOING this. I am doing this the right way and I will continue to do this. The lady asked me how long did I want to join and I said a year and felt no sense of yuckiness that I just committed to a whole year of exercise. I just smiled the whole time. I’m sure she thought I was nuts.

Believe in yourself and the power of your heart and you will go far.

~Jen
ps. Gracias senior Paz.

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Home

December 15, 2006 at 8:46 pm (Uncategorized)

I wrote this today in my personal journal and thought it also fitting for here.

Last night I went to weight watchers and I lost over 9 pounds. I know that is A LOT for one week but I also know I worked really hard. As I was sitting there looking at the fat pictures of the people who lead the meetings, I was struck by how much I have felt, in the past, that I’ve worked very hard and not received any reward like I did last night.

To work so hard-on so many levels-and be rewarded is such a shock and not something I am used to right now. I almost cried in the meeting. I don’t know how to explain it except maybe a feeling like you are far, far away from your home and you must make the treacherous journey back all by yourself. There are a lot of things to hold you back-lots of things that will chase you and scare you as you keep on truckin‘. There will also be kindness in unexpected places and people that will do their best to help you even if it is only a brief jaunt in the trip. ‘Don’t give up.’

You are scared, you are hurt and you have every experience you’ve ever had in 35 years telling you that you may be heading in the wrong direction. But, you put one foot in front of the next foot and repeat. You pick yourself up when you fall. You wipe yourself down when others splash cold water on you from their journeys and step-by-step you find your way home.

What is home? To me, home is my sanctuary that keeps me safe and warm. It is the knowledge that I have battled fiercely for my soul and won. It is the woman so distant and removed right now that holds out her open arms and wraps me with the sweet salvation of love.

Today, I am a little bit closer to home…

~Jen

start348
current 319.2

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Carrots

December 11, 2006 at 11:13 pm (Uncategorized)

I hate carrots. When I eat them, I feel a little icky in my tummy and I get a headache. Everyone just laughs at me and goes, oh Jen, carrots are good for you. I’m trying to find some scientific evidence for this, but so far I’m all alone in my carrot headache world. Poor jen!

Ok, weigh day was good. I came in at 328.4 which is a total loss of 4.8 since I’ve been on WW and 20 pounds since I started exercising and eating better. Today, I was at 323 which really shocked me!!

Guess what? I just ate my carrots and my head hurts. Argh!

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Hit me hard enough to wake me

December 7, 2006 at 3:19 pm (Uncategorized)

Hello blog. Hello strangers. Hello Jen, welcome to your life.

What to say? I fell off, got lost, and didn’t do it. Once again, I let my inner demons win over becoming more healthy and becoming a strong person that loves me enough to love everyone else. Instead, I did the same thing I always do and it became the last straw in my love story with Larisa. The promises not kept became too many and the lack of love for myself to be able to give us my all made her snap and we are barely hanging on.

For better or worse, and let me tell you, it is worse, I’m awake now. More awake then I have been in a few years. It doesn’t matter if Ris is in my life or not, I have to do this. For my health, for the love of myself, for the love inside of me that is yearning to be free. So, if you are reading this and you know what I’m talking about. You know what it is like to start pulling away from your life and feeling more sorry for your fatness and use that as an excuse to do nothing. If you are using every excuse in the book and telling everyone that they have no idea what it is like to be fat listen to me. SO WHAT? No, no one but other fat people know what it is like to be constantly embarrassed of yourself but that isn’t going to help you. Only you being honest with you can help you.

Sorry this isn’t very eloquent but I’m not feeling very eloquent right now-just very, very alone. Hoping that I can find me before I lose Larisa completely while knowing that she cannot be here for me. For the first time ever, I have admitted to myself that I need help and I have asked for help and I am taking help that is offered. I’m very sorry that I wasn’t able to really do that all the years that Ris was trying to help me.

I started this awakening at 348. I joined weight watchers at 333 and I am in the 320’s now. I get my official weigh in tonight. I am working out almost every day and I even killed our treadmill. That used to be enough to stop me cold, but it isn’t. I’ve even been walking at the mall (I hate the mall) but there isn’t any ice in the mall. I’m looking inside and working to understand my bad habits all around, not just with weight. I’m also working on forgiving myself for the pain I have caused to me, my love and my friends and family. I feel so much guilt and shame.

So, keep watching because I’m back and I’m not ever leaving this blog. I thought about starting a new website, but I like that this shows my whole messed up journey. This time, I’m gonna get it right. I’m two weeks shy of being 35. I’m running out of chances.

~Jen

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