So, just incase anyone is wondering-I have not been ignoring this blog. In fact, I have been thinking about it often and really itchin’ to write. The problem? The things I need to journal about are things that will hurt loved ones and I am hesitant to do that for everyone to read. What to do? What to do? Obviously, I just did nothing.
I know this is a standard question for addicts, but I never really applied it to myself. One day that I was home early from work I heard Oprah say-”what’s in it for you? Because your getting something out of it to make you stay this way.” I’ve been thinking about that for weeks and I am working on some theories.
My first one is similar to the guy in Office Space who, when asked what he would do if he could have any job in the world, said “I would do nothing.” That’s me. Am I lazy? I don’t think so, but I think I am tired. From a very young age I remember never being able to just sit and be. My whole worth to my parents, to my friends, to my family was in doing something. Weekends, after school-any time I had free I had to be doing something. I was given chores like any kid, but when those were done I wasn’t allowed to chill out-I was given more chores. I spent weekends in our yard picking up rocks and sticks until my hands were raw. I was constantly at attention to be at my dad’s beck and call and there was no tolerance for any slacking. I remember vividly falling asleep on my bed one day after school in high school. I woke from a dead sleep in fear as I heard my dad walk in the house. I scurried to look productive-not lazy.
I’ve been thinking about why it was like this and I don’t have an answer. Did I put it on myself or did my parents create it for me? When I got into music-there was even more to do. Being a good musician and working towards a music degree means constant work. You are in the band, the orchestra, small ensembles, taking lessons, going to mandantory rehearsals, mandantory performances etc… from the wee morning hours until very late at night. Then, you have to catch up on the other parts of your life before you can go to sleep. It takes its toll and it brings a certain burnout at a young age. I think that the combination of all the reasons why I could never just sit under a tree for 15 minutes in peace somehow may be a reason why I started putting on the pounds.
I started gaining weight the moment I moved out. I started really gaining weight when the music stuff stopped and I started becoming more selfish of my time. I wanted to sit on the couch and watch mindless t.v. I wanted to sit under that tree and do nothing but read a good book. I remember my dad spending weekends reading his favorite book and me not being allowed to do the exact same thing.
It’s just one theory that I am chewing on. Bad choice of words-ha ha. Do I purosefully stay at this weight so I have an excuse not to do anything? or do I purposefully stay at this weight because it is the one thing that I now have complete control over? That theory is for the next blogging experience.
Am I lazy? I don’t think so-I just want to do what I want to do with my time-not what anyone else wants me to do. My weight is a buffer from me having to say no all the time-maybe it stops people from asking me to do more? If this is true, I think its fruitfulness is wearing out. I am doing a lot of stuff with a lot of people even when I say I don’t want to do anything. Hmmm.
I just walked 10 minutes on the treadmill. Doesn’t sound like much but I am all sweaty and I was in my target heart range.
Ramblin’ Jen
