Jennifer Lynn

I do not have much to report. Weigh day on Friday was a success!! I lost 3 more pounds for a total loss of 15 pounds. I am now at 315. I can notice small differences that no one looking at me would see. I have a little more room in my clothes and I feel a lot better.

I am a little down because I am pretty sure I don’t have the skills in place to lose 15 pounds by this Friday. This means that I will not meet my first goal of losing 30 pounds in the first month. I have no one else to blame for this-I fell off the wagon. I ate some things that I shouldn’t have and that’s ok- I am still losing weight and I am still eating healthy.

There was a guy on the news last night that has lost 160 pounds using the food pyramid. I don’t think I have ever heard of anyone losing weight using those guidelines, but I was impressed. Not just by his weight loss which is most excellent, but by the fact that the media actually told his story and felt it worthy to report someone that was using common sense nutrition to get healthy. Whoa, now there is a concept!! That I have had two patrons come in today asking for a copy of the food pyramid is really exciting.

Don’t get me wrong, I watch show after show of people that go under the knife and have some part of their stomach stapled or removed and I think, wow, what a quick fix and for a second, a brief second, it all sounds great. Then I get real. I wonder how much damage these people are doing to their bodies in the long run. Does it outweight the damage they do as a fat person? Maybe so and maybe that is the right choice for those that are in horrible danger and have truly tried lots of things. But, the jadist in me thinks that most people have cheated on everything they have tried and have never been faithful to nutrtion. I know, its not fair of me to judge anyone. I just know that for me, I couldn’t do it.

Ocaam’s razor-a principle I learned in psychology that the easiest, most simplest explanation is the correct one. Basically, the harder you make things and the more complicated the solution when there are simpler solutions out there-means it is probably the wrong solution.

~Jen

Where’s Jen? Jen is here, she just got really, really busy. Let me do a sum up.

-Last week I only lost 1 pound.

-This is due to a falling off the wagon involving Subway & homemade, good for you pizza with not so good for you pepperoni on top.

-Life has been super crazy and blogging has been the most expendable item on my to-do list.

So, falling off the wagon. Boy-does it hurt. I practically cried when I tasted the first piece of pizza with real pepperoni on it. I was in heaven. Being truly honest, I see more in the last several weeks how much of an addiction food is to me than I ever have before. I am learning but, hell, it is hard. There aren’t too many people out there that will sniff the pepperoni as they are putting it on and close their eyes and moan with happiness when they take a bite. It was delicious.

Did I enjoy it? Oh yeah. Do I regret it? Incredibly. That was the quickest halt to a weight loss high in the west. Whew. It brought on a massive bout of depression in which I doubted that I will ever accomplish my goals. It also lead to feeling more temptation and less control over temptation over the last week. It was harder and I am so angry at myself.

So-I am changing my weigh day to Friday. Not a rocket-science type of decision-it is just the day that Larisa weighs and I end up doing it anyways on that day. I want to limit my weight analysis to one day a week. Speaking of Ris she did a break down of what we were eating and found while we were meeting sodium and fat guidelines we were too high on calories. So, we are shifting things a bit this week.

Exercise is still the big beast in the sky. I have walked 1 to 1.5 miles a few times and have done tai chi a few times but nothing consistent. We are hoping to get the treadmill in the next week or so and I know that will help. I am setting a deadline for myself-if I don’t get on the exercise plan by the end of February I am joining a gym.

Looking back over this last week and thinking about all the crazy thoughts that have run thru my head-I see that I have to give myself tough-love. I cannot half-ass anything with this or I will fall off and be just like I was. I don’t want that-I desperately don’t want to be unhealthy and limited. So-if it seems I am being harsh or candid, it is only because I have to be. I have to set the limits in my head and I have to be tough about them.

The hardest thing to see in the last week. Larisa’s face when she looks at me and talks about exercise. I can see the worry bordering on panic that I am not going to do this, that I will not meet my first goal. I hate seeing that expression-it makes me feel like a loser. I know she doesn’t realize she is doing it and I know she will wop me upside the head telling me I am not a loser as soon as she reads this. It is just another sign of fat Jen internalizing every single look or comment she receives.

Bad Jen signing off to eat some rice cakes!

p.s. I bet your wondering where Buddha comes into this. There is a nifty little book called ‘What Would Buddha Do?” and one of the questions posed is what would Buddha do if he was faced with the temptation of chocolate? Instead of a big lecture(which one would expect from say Dr. Phil), it reminds us of oneness and interconnectedness – “don’t wolf the chocolate; think of the labor that brought it to you. When we really experience our desires and fulfillments, we realize oneness with the Buddha way.”

Ahhhhhhhhhh. I can’t wait to get there.