Jennifer Lynn

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

A friend of mine told me about an instance many moons ago when his wife made the comment “that Jen is massive” and how he never saw me that way until he read this blog. While I appreciate everyone being as candid about this as I am trying to be, I can tell you that those four words really hurt and have been lingering in my head all week.

That’s a lie-I have been obsessing about them without any consensus of thought. I actually woke up one morning and they popped into my head. I finally told Larisa about it and she looked at me stunned and said, “how rude”. When I didn’t agree with her I knew there was something going on in my brain that I wasn’t realizing. Three days later I figure it out-internalization.

Immediately, Jen of low self-esteem when it comes to my body agreed with her comment and internalized it as part of my cycle of knocking myself down. I see it happening-every stare, every comment, every snicker, every incredibly rude thing that self-righteous people say I agree with and make it a part of my mantra. Jen is nasty fat and deserves to be talked about and treated badly by strangers who know nothing about her. It’s all true right?

For some reason it seems to be ok to bash the fat. Is it because it is so obvious? We can’t see that someone is an abuser or that someone has emotional problems or smokes crack so we can’t touch that. And as a society, we have to find someone to attack to make us feel better and fat people are the easy ones? Because we are just a lazy group that sits around and eats all the time and we know it? I just got really pissed off writing that and want to scream to the world, just exactly who the hell do you think you are to pass judgement on me?

I think it is about time that this fat chick decided that you are no one of consequence to me. You know not who I am-what I am passionate about, who I love, how I live and who loves me.

It is time I thank the friends that I have who see the real me and love me for the person I am, not the body. How lucky am I to have such friends? I read a lot of stories about fat people who are so lonely and sad without anyone who loves them and it may be as simple as no one will reach beyond the body. There is so much wrong with that.

Did you know that I am always careful about who I wave to or the kids I interact with because I think if they are seen with me by friends that I am not doing them any favors? In my shame I am trying to make others feel more comfortable in creating a negative image of fat people. Shame on me. There is so much to heal in this person that it feels overwhelming sometimes. How can I just love me, the whole me with acceptance and love? Really, that is the root of this-if I accept myself I will refuse to let anyone else’s behavior affect me. I know I am taking the right steps-I finally feel as a whole person not fractions of a person that I only like parts of-but the shame is still there enough that those four simple words-true words at that-haunted me for days.

So, strangers beware, your glances, your snickers, your comments are nothing to me. Who cares? I am an amazing woman who has much joy in her life and accepts her body and all its flaws as part of the whole package of Jen.

Alrighty, I have a lot of mental work to do!!

~Jen

Today is my very first weigh-in. Drum roll please…..

Last week 330.

This week 319!!

My initial reaction is holy shit! I actually lost 11 pounds! My second reaction was oh, I have so much more to go. We set small goals so we won’t be overwhelmed by the staggering amount of pounds that have to come off when you are truly fat. Does it help? Sorda. My first goal is to be under 300 and I want it so bad I can taste it. The 11 pounds is what is getting me out the door and walking as soon as I am done typing this so I can reach that initial goal. In this sense, it is working.

But there are moments when you think you are never going to make it. I had a craving yesterday for bacon. Ris had told me that we didn’t throw away the bacon left over from our rouladen dinner and I could not stop thinking about it. I had just spent the night yarking and felt like crap but all I wanted was that bacon. Honestly, I believe that the only reason I didn’t succumb to the bacon (how weird does that sound?) was because I knew she would smell it when she came home. I fought it and I told her when she came home-she threw it away and then moaned about the petite fours we have in the freezer saved for our month celebration. I was the strong one with them and hid them so she wouldn’t see them. But, at that moment I felt like there was no way in hell that I could continue with this constant moderation and consideration and preparation for the rest of my life. I felt doomed. So, while the small goals get you thru it is silly to expect them to take away your knowledge of being in this for the long haul. When you don’t realize that on a daily basis is when you run into true problems.

I was very mad at myself for having a craving-I really haven’t had too many this week. I took it as an instant failure for a few hours. Then, as the time went on, and I continued to eat well, I felt better and better.

My “proud of Jen” moment for the week came last Saturday. It was my Saturday to work and Kris, the mother-hen of the branch, was also working and made homemade blueberry muffins. She also brought in I can’t believe it’s not butter in hopes that I would be able to eat her blueberry muffins. I was very appreciative for the consideration and felt guilty that I should eat one. It wasn’t until I was back home that I realized that I hadn’t eaten a muffin. Small victory!

How is is going your first week of major food change. I realized I don’t like saying diet because it brings up nasty memories of trying all kinds of tricks to lose weight and failing. I tentatively let my mom know what I was doing and she did the mom thing. You know, the uh huh, that’s nice dear that was full of knowing how many times you have failed at this. That just pissed me off.

Determined. That is my descriptor now.

Monday was hard-I was hungry all the time and I had lots of cravings. When I drove home I found myself drooling over the things that I didn’t manage to get a last hurrah in for. I saw Andy’s and went crap, I didn’t get that. I drove my Da Vinci’s Pizza and cursed because I forgot them too. Drat. It was the hardest day but we both did it. Did I tell you that Larisa is doing this with me? That she will look hot beyond belief much quicker than me is an issue I will be blogging about soon, but I am also grateful for her support and willingness to give it a try.

Tuesday-today has been relatively easy. I have not had any cravings, I have some hunger pains but nothing that really drives me nuts-mostly I am content. I hate veggies and the main reason I chose this style of change was the focus on grains and fruits as opposed to veggies.. Well, I must of read that wrong because they want you to eat a lot of veggies-all raw or frozen cooked. The veggies that I do like aren’t counted as veggies-they are counted as startches. So, I am trying with the veggies-it will be my strongest battle.

There really is something to the low sodium/salt intake for cravings. I really can’t believe it so far.

So, there you go. I am not happily munching oreos anymore, but I am happily munching rice and fruit and bagels we made ourselves and shredded wheat and even a low fat, low sodium very tasty chocolate mousse on a few nights.

~Jen

“He who overcomes others has force. He who overcomes himself has strength.” ~Lao Tzu

You find inspiration in strange places sometimes. I love quotes and I found this quote on the back of my tai chi dvd. So, here is my ah hah moment of the last two days.

Yesterday, I worked the night shift so I was at home during the morning inauguration festivities. I won’t delve too deep into my political beliefs but let me just say that as soon as I type this story I know that someone in D.C. is going to be watching this blog. Hmmm. Anyhoo, I turn on the t.v. and there is Ashcroft singing this song about soaring eagles. What the crap? I tell you that as a librarian and an intelligent human being-this guy scares me. When someone that scares me and threatens my freedoms is singing at me it freaks me out. I was stunned into motionlessness for at least 5 minutes. I do have a point here, I swear. So, as I am shocked into watching this shindig, I am watching all the people that get to walk in with each big wig-then we get to the president. The lady in front of him is huge. I thought I remembered her name but I can’t seem to find her online, but she was a very large lady in front of Bush and his cronies walking down this hallway. I am sitting there watching her fat jiggle where her chin should be and I felt an instant kinship and feeling for her. As I watch her go down the stairs I see the look on her face that says, oh my God, I really should have lost that weight, I am on t.v. all over the world right now and I cried and little and felt for her.

She probably wasn’t thinking that at all, but this is a huge moment for me. I have never, ever accepted that I have anything in common with any other fat person in the world. Come on, I hate my body, why would I like someone who shares that trait? I’m not that fat or I don’t eat like that runs thru your head as you try to avoid them. Wow. I think yesterday was the first time that I accepted my body for what it is and what it will become and that is actually a part of me, the real me, the thinking me. Holy biscuits batman, I really am doing this right and I really am changing myself inside and out.

I had a friend a few months ago tell me that I was way obsessed with the weight thing when I was just trying to get across to him how hard this is on so many levels. I see now that it is a huge part of who I am and it is very much like a job-but the obsession that I was having then was not doing me any good.

Cosmic cookies!

~Jen

This sounds like crap, but all day yesterday and today I have been jittery in a happy way. Excited, scared, hopeful and all that. I haven’t had a bad feeling since I got nervous on Saturday.

We went shopping yesterday-it is amazing how much stuff has a lot of sodium in it. We got a lot of fruits, veggies and beans. Lots of beans.

My first official weigh-in was a bust. Since we porked out all weekend I got the error message. So, for posterities sake I am starting myself at 330. I will weigh once a week and not stress out about anything.

I wrote out my health plan that covers diet, exercise and mindfulness. Ya ready? It’s pretty impressive, I have to say.

My current health status: Morbidly obese, unhealthy & feeling 80.

My goals with projected dates: Overall goal of being under 200 in a year. Being under 300 by 2.18.05. At 250 by 5.18.05.

My nutrition paln will include:

1200 calories per day

10% of my calories from fat

100 mgs of cholesterol

250-500 mgs of sodium

My general strategy on nutrition: Mostly vegetarian-3 oz chicken twice a week. Follow recipes in books until I get a good feel for the program.

If I do not meet my nutritional goals by my projected date, I will: Seek counsel from Dr. Baker or nutritionist.

My exercise plan:

60 minutes per day of aerobic exercise 5 times a week.

10 minutes per day of stretching 6 times a week.

30 minutes per day of strength training 3 times a week.

My general strategy on exercise: Walking, weights and tai chi.

If I do not meet my exercise goals iwthin my projected date, I will: Fork out the money and join a gym.

My inner healing plan:

My plans for spiritual renewal and inner healing include: Focus on me as a whole, understand why I am in this situation and heal.

My general strategy for accomplishing this emotional and spiritual growth: Blogging, talking with Larisa, investigate meditation.

If I do not honor my spiritual goals by my projected date, I will: Join a support group.

Today was the first day that I felt fear about what I am getting ready to take on. I was reading the sample menu to Larisa (the love of my life) and it seemed so small and my stomach started rumbling as I read it. I didn’t care that it was 10 am and I hadn’t eaten for 12 hours-I took it as a sign and started to panic.

But, I’m working on it. I had an ah hah moment a while back that fits for this situation. Motivation follows behavior. Not the other way around. That is the hugest problem with diets and failure. I am guilty of it for sure, of trying to find that perfect motivation to get you to lose the weight that you know in your heart of hearts must come off. What motivates? Fear of death for a little bit, but your mind will not allow that to be constant. Fear of running into someone-I tried to use this motivation before a conference in which I would meet someone that I had to be strong for. Did I? No. Why? I did it all backwards.

When you do the behavior you should get the results that will bring on the motivation to continue to get those results.

You know, I have a psychology degree-this should be so obvious.

Pavlovianly yours,

Jen

I read the book ‘Fat Like Us’ by Jean Renfro Anspaugh over Christmas break. It is an interesting read. Anspaugh interviewed people on the Rice Diet as her doctoral work revolving around culture. She defined, with the stories, the culture of fat. I come across this in several things I read. I kinda poo-pooed it for a while, but the more I think of it it makes sense. It is the fact that I don’t want to be in that culture is what made me deny its existence.

Anyways, the gem that blew me away was a simple line, fat people are angry. Boy Howdy. Of course we are. It never dawned on me to examine this but every day I am looking at angry fat people all around me and most of all, an angry fat chick in my shoes.

I come home everyday and rant about the stupid people I have to deal with. I wonder if that will change as I change?

There is so much to be resentful and angry at in chubbyville. The most obvious and the most harshest of our hate is at ourselves. Fat people are not stupid. I am intelligent-I have a masters degree and I am actively researching and learning almost everyday in my job. I know that I am fat because of myself. (tho, I am always hopeful of a benign tumor the size of a watermelon will be found) I take responsibility for this happening to me. Does anyone think that is the magic pill? Hell no. I know it, always, and it is what makes me hate myself when it comes to weight. Why aren’t I doing anything to fix it? Fat people ask themselves this every day-probably several times a day. The way you look, the way you feel, the fat drooping all over your body, the looks you get from strangers all gets internalized and you hold onto every bit as a justification of why you are such a looser. It is no wonder that we are a pissy bunch.

Then add the extra added joys of fat life-fearing any new place for worry that you won’t fit in the chairs, being embarrassed when you have to squeeze thru racks of clothing just to get around a store, being out of breath when you walk up a flight of stairs with friends who ask you why you quit talking, buying an extra seat on the airplane to keep from bothering someone else only to have the airline people question constantly why you have two seats and then try to put someone in your extra seat when the plane is full. Trying desperately to suck it in as you do your best to fasten your seatbelt. Coming to tears at your family christmas dinner because you have to rearrange the whole family’s sitting place because you can’t fit in the spot designated for you. Imagining that the reason why you aren’t going anywhere in your job is not because you aren’t excellent at it but rather that you don’t fit the image administration wants to portray.

Fascinating stuff this anger bit. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

~Jen

Habit is habit and not to be flung out the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time… ~Mark Twain

To anyone that glanced at this blog over the last month, it appears that another fat person gave up and is happily munching oreos. In some ways, yes, that is exactly what I have been doing. But, I have also been reading up a storm, looking inside and formulating a plan.

Habits are a hard thing to break, I love Twain’s quote as it confirms that I have been doing this the right way. I have spent the holiday season thinking about where I want to be and why I want to be there. I gained 7 pounds and lost it just by going back to work. Hmmmm. However, the monday that the scale gave me an “error” I did have an hour or so of depression. You only get an error when you are over the max for the scale. Fat people, really fat people know what I’m talking about.

My date is set: January 18th. The life plan is set: I am using the home version of Duke’s rice diet. The exercise is set: We are purchasing a treadmill soon-not sure when. Until then, I walk and I do tai chi in the morning before work. My goals are set.

First goal: get under 300

after that each decade is my goal-for example when I am in the 290’s my goal will be the 280’s and on down the line. I set simple goals because you see a faster reward.

My ultimate goal is to get under 200. It has been over 10 years since I have been under 200 and I am ready.

I have no notions that this is going to be easy-damn, this is going to be hard. I am hungry all the time now-when I am eating on a regular basis-how am I going to feel when I am limited to 1000 calories a day. But, the determination is there. I can do this. I will do this. I am this.