There are times in your life when you have to take a good long look at what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy. As most fat people know, being fat defines who you are on the outside and for many, on the inside. There isn’t an hour that goes by that I am not reminded of how fat I am, how unattractive I am considered and how frighteningly unhealthy I probably am.
I say probably, because I haven’t been to the doctor since 2001. I know in my head what I have to do-I just can’t seem to connect between the know and the do. I am addicted to food-I crave it, I want it-I get cranky when I can’t have what I want. I don’t think I eat more than most individuals, I really don’t, but I am starting this blog to get an honest look at myself from my eyes to work through my life.
What do I really eat? If you read this, you are about to find out. What do I really feel? If you read this, you are about to find out. What made me into this fat human being who seems to miss out on so much when there is so much inside of me that is great? If you read this, you are about to find out. But, I don’t really care about that. What I care about is an outlet to vent and understand myself as a whole so I can fix myself as a whole.
I am so scared that I am going to die.
That should be enough shouldn’t it? It isn’t. The human mind is an amazing thing that doesn’t allow us to focus on such morbid thoughts for too very long.
Take a good hard look. I’ve have had it with the body you see. I love me-I love so much about my life-but at the same time I get sick looking at me and feeling like I am 60.
I currently am 32. I will be 33 on christmas day. I weigh approximatley 323 pounds. I say approx. because our scale doesn’t work very well after you hit 300. I wear size 28+ clothes. I get out of breath when I walk up a flight of stairs.
Woman, heal thyself.
Annonymous said,
August 29, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Jen I so understand you….Maybe because I am so like you. Wouldn’t it be nice if people could see past the fat and see us for who we are? Shoot…it would be nice if we could see us for who we are..I see a picture of myself and wonder who that person is.I certainly don’t see that person when I look in the mirror. How does that happen? It just makes me want to hide. And yeah, it pisses me off..Why? Because like you, I don’t do things much differently than my fellow “normal” weight humans..I eat no more and probably less..I am just as active, and more so, in many cases..So why me? Who knows…but yeah it does make me angry..