Jennifer Lynn

So, today, I blew it already. I realize as I think about why I blow it is that I am not very good with delayed gratification or should it be no gratification when it comes to food? I do good for one day-sorda. Not perfect, but not bad either and the next day I feel deprived and feel the need to reward myself for that one day. That is waaaaaaay to short of a time to feel that way. I believe this is one of my key problems. I can see it, I just don’t have a clue how to fix it. Dr. Phil anyone? ha ha.

Seriously, my guess of why I am this way is the constant feeling of hunger growing up. No, I wasn’t deprived at all as a child. I had full nutritional support from my parents. But, I was always chubbier than my friends and my weight became a huge issue. What always surprised me was how little my family ate compared to my friends who were super skinny. So, it was rare that I got to eat something I truly liked. I had peanut butter sandwiches, no jelly. I never had bologne and cheese either. Oh the trauma! But, I was always craving this stuff and as soon as I became in control of what I could eat-I have been gaining weight ever since.

How do I gain food responsibility in myself?

Breakfast: Oh my God!!!
-Bacon, egg & cheese mcgriddle *450 calories, 21 g fat*
-medium coke, fully loaded *210 calories, 0 g fat*

Lunch
-granola bar *120 calories, 3 g fat*
-Peanut Butter *190 calories, 12 g fat*
-Strawberry jelly *100 calories, no fat*
-Wheat bread *200 calories, 2 g fat*

Ok, I know that the holiday season is not the best time to get radical and I want to assert myself in saying that I am not going radical…yet. I am taking a philosophical stant on this because nothing else has worked. Until the holidays are over and I get my treadmill and am 100% mentally ready, I am taking baby steps.

I am keeping track of everything I put in my body and everything I do good or bad to it. I want an honest look at me and I think I need that before I can start losing the weight.

Break:
-Banana *90 calories, no fat*
-1/2 candy cane(sore throat) *110 calories for all, no fat*

Lunch:
-Peanut Butter *190 calories, 12 g fat*
-Strawberry jelly *100 calories, no fat*
-Wheat bread *200 calories, 2 g fat*
Granola bar *120 calories, 4 g fat*
-rest of the candy cane

Dinner:
-Spaghetti w/meatballs
-2 french dinner rolls with benecol, garlic salt & cheese
-sugar free kool-aid *0 calories, 0 fat*

Desert:
-2 mice cookies, 5 pistacio cookies

 Cheers!

There are times in your life when you have to take a good long look at what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy. As most fat people know, being fat defines who you are on the outside and for many, on the inside. There isn’t an hour that goes by that I am not reminded of how fat I am, how unattractive I am considered and how frighteningly unhealthy I probably am.

I say probably, because I haven’t been to the doctor since 2001. I know in my head what I have to do-I just can’t seem to connect between the know and the do. I am addicted to food-I crave it, I want it-I get cranky when I can’t have what I want. I don’t think I eat more than most individuals, I really don’t, but I am starting this blog to get an honest look at myself from my eyes to work through my life.

What do I really eat? If you read this, you are about to find out. What do I really feel? If you read this, you are about to find out. What made me into this fat human being who seems to miss out on so much when there is so much inside of me that is great? If you read this, you are about to find out. But, I don’t really care about that. What I care about is an outlet to vent and understand myself as a whole so I can fix myself as a whole.

I am so scared that I am going to die.

That should be enough shouldn’t it? It isn’t. The human mind is an amazing thing that doesn’t allow us to focus on such morbid thoughts for too very long.

Take a good hard look. I’ve have had it with the body you see. I love me-I love so much about my life-but at the same time I get sick looking at me and feeling like I am 60.

I currently am 32. I will be 33 on christmas day. I weigh approximatley 323 pounds. I say approx. because our scale doesn’t work very well after you hit 300. I wear size 28+ clothes. I get out of breath when I walk up a flight of stairs.

Woman, heal thyself.